mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
🤣🤣🤣
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.