[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.