To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.