Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
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the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
real
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Mountain Goat : )
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”