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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.