Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.