My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.