Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
who wore it better?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Worth remembering.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed