Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.