Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
ready to be harvested
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.