I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages