My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed