Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
even bears disappoint their mothers
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
The French cow says MEUX…
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.