A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I hope Alan is OK
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.