A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale