me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.