honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes