T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
You Might Also Like
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My favorite farside!!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”