Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there