Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
It do be feeling this way.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why