It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂