Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I cannot call her anything else now
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?