Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
superman landing like a plane on his belly