When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.