[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
You Might Also Like
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl