in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*updates tinder bio*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea