Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.