I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time