a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.