FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
True freaking story!
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.