“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
She puts the hot in psychotic
good let them take over I have had enough
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
They’re called werewolves.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.