I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged