Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
You Might Also Like
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom