My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
👾👾👾
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Mouse
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”