Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Pikachu found the lost joint
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch