ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
You Might Also Like
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Hot Hot Hot
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”