So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
You Might Also Like
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I don’t get marriage
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
life finds a way
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee