Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Trumpy Cat
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship