Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
bought wrong eggs
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us