Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”