If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool