I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super