I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
synchronized noseblowing
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.