guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics