Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: