Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here