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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*mops up wine with cat*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)