I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Free him
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
giddy up Office Depot
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.