Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.