Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!